DEATH THREAD - An emotional quagmire.🏜⚱️

The glib condolences and commiserations from friends and well wishers were more like a torture to me, and I loathed to hear them from everyone. It felt like I was being mocked for losing my father. Why was everyone saying the same words and phrases to me? I needed something more than these rehearsed words; I wanted empathy and affection. 

Grief, for me was an indescribable emotion. Indubitably, it’s not my first time feeling sad over the loss of a loved one, but this time was different. I was mourning my father. The only male figure in my life that I truly love and adore so much with all my entrails. I was fluctuating on series of emotions ; I was experiencing extreme sadness one moment, then pure rage at some point, despondent in between, anxious, fear and loneliness; the kind that is so menacing and almost tangible that, you could cut it with a knife. 

My father passed away after a short illness. I received a call from my sister that night around (7:16pm). Like an epiphany, I knew what she was going to tell me. She was sobbing on the other end of the phone, mentioning our dad countless times. I just went numb and my lips completely dry. The shock that the news came with left me without any reactions at all. My sensory nerves were all benumbed. I came to terms with reality after seeing his tomb.

The past few months have taught me so many great lessons. I have learned how to be my own support system because my father was not only mine; he was a husband to my mother, a father to my other siblings, a grandfather, a great-grandfather, a community member; and all these people would equally need their moments and space to grieve him. I wasn’t ready to be selfish, I had to stifle my emotions when necessary for the comfort of others. I have also mastered the art of finding solace in the memories we made whilst he was alive; his cooking, the trips I made with him, his singing voice, the jokes, and all the times he carried me on his back to my hospital appointments. 

In all, I wouldn’t say I have healed. Maybe I shall never. But one thing is certain, I have made peace with the fact that he is no more and that he is never coming back. I might have to continue sniffing his clothes to feel his presence anytime I want to feel closer to him again. And though I can’t promise myself that it will get better anytime soon, I know that it will eventually. But for now, all I can do  is take my time - take all the time I need. 

~Freeman.